Hello fellow bipolar people. My name is Mr. Radio, I state this because it encompasses everything I used to be about. Conversation as a radio talk show host. Now I've had fairly successful shows such as the "Sports Wrap," "Good News (worst show)," and "Buried In Time." I found myself able to say what was on my mind with the most education that I had to date. I would do prep work, show outlines, and come in with a lot of confidence about what to say for the show at hand. That's my history and why I'm called Mr. Radio

The reason I have a skull next to a mic as my profile pick is because the radio part of me is R.I.P ing somewhere. I have lost my confidence in speaking. Not only have I lost that confidence, but I also feel like I've lost the natural flow of words and topic related thoughts coming to my mind so I can have an educated input into a conversation. I am bipolar and had my first manic episode dating back to the end of November 2012 and that eventually led me to psychosis in mid December till January 10. Started receiving medicine on the Christmas. Merry freaking Christmas to me. You're crazy and have to go to a psych ward. I would of gladly of taken the coal if I knew it would come down to this. Maybe it was gods way of punishing me for thinking that I was god or maybe I'm not really crazy and people just have different realities and psychiatry is a fake practice made up to make money. These are all thoughts going through my mind.

The one thing that gets me however is that how can someone go from having everything to say and not even letting someone else get a word in (while manic) to being someone that can't get a word into the conversation? My psychiatrist said I should start seeing a therapist soon. I meet with my social worker today. I have brought this up numerous times on both this site and with my support groups and they all say it will change in time. I can confidently say that it's been 8 months of working out, working, relaxing, being with friends and "trying" to be sociable. Things have gotten a little better. I don't let the silence bother me as much an I seem to be more relaxed and not show more emotion. I have started a class and I seem to write fine and remember things from the film to state in words and critically analyze films and do things required for my senior level class. I seem to be able to talk to people normally online like I use to be able to. In fact I talk more online now then I ever did in the past.

I can't drink with my meds, I'm having jaw pain due to them, and I was off them for a week and didn't feel any difference. Is it possible that I don't have a mental illness and the whole thing is made up? People have been mentally ill since the dawn of man and it's survived evolution. Could our brains simply be experiencing different realities based upon our make up or should we conform to societies idea of normal. Everyone can fit into a category that is regarded as someone who is mentally ill.

My question, if you choose to respond is, why am I not in the middle of the conversation any more? Why have I become quiet? I do think before I speak and I think to myself whether or not what I say will have any merits. Other times when people speak for long periods of time without stopping I look to myself and I say "where is that?" I use to be able to do that and I was effective at that. Granted I've learned to be stronger in social situations and not care as much that I don't have much to say. It's helped me build character in places I didn't think I could, that is in the realm of being introverted.

How does someone make the transaction from being extroverted to introverted and then form into a combo of both as an ambiversion? I believe I'm a fairly smart man at least at a basic level and I don't think you lose intelligence after psychosis... although it feels that way. I listen to people talk and I'm think most of the time they don't have anything interesting they're talking about. Then if they are bringing up an interesting point, I don't have my strong opinion backing be up like before where I could use examples and argue a point. I feel normal when alone and haven't lost any skills at video games, writing broadcasts, doing papers, and playing sports. Thanks for reading.