(((MillionaireWaltz))),

It sounds like you may have "complex PTSD" because you have been struggling for a very long time.

I don't know your history, however, it is "possible" that you may not actually "have bipolar" and instead may be struggling with "complex PTSD cycles" that can be a result of "early abuse or neglect of some kind". Often people with a history of abuse and develop the PTSD cycles to "compensate" are often "misdiagnosed with bipolar".

If you are now working with a therapist that specializes in PTSD and "complex PTSD" you may make progress where before you just thought that you were "manic".

Yes, you may feel very lost for a while, but with good "talk therapy" and a therapist that understands and works with PTSD patients, in time you can actually begin to understand yourself much better and actually begin to make some gains helping yourself work through your challenges better.

I am sorry you are feeling so confused right now, I have been there myself so I know how difficult it is. Please be "very patient" with yourself and give therapy time and yourself time to finally understand yourself better.

What you "can" be grateful for is that so much more is now understood about PTSD and what is now called "complex PTSD" and how to actually work with patients to where they can gradually "heal" and understand themselves better verses just going along suffering and confused. Believe me, you are really not alone in how you struggle and as you work through PTSD therapy you will finally be able to connect with others who also struggle and actually get the support you need and so deserve so you can finally understand yourself better.

I cannot stress enough, "patience and self care" is very important to your "healing". I am in no way diagnosing you, however, what I encourage you to do is be open minded and if you work through PTSD therapy, you may discover more answers to understanding yourself better then you have ever before.

Welcome to PC, there are others who struggle just like you and are very supportive here.

(((Caring Hugs)))
OE