I have been pretty out of control the past month. Things were going pretty well in a lot of ways back in the winter-spring, with the exception of a lamictal problem - it was causing anemia, them when we tried to get off it I started having pretty serious withdrawal symptoms including tremor so bad at times I couldn't hold objects such as a key or a cup of coffee. We (drs and I) treated with supportive care for the anemia, went up to the full dose of lamictal to control withdrawal and I am now tapering off really slowly at one fourth of the normal pace. But psychologically I was functioning just fine but still harboring an extreme amount of negative feelings.

"Anniversary time" in August just opened the floodgates, and everything has been coming out, kind of all together. I keep going back in my mind to misdiagnosis and improper treatment last year, which for me was a major trauma, as well as all of the abuse as a kid, and it is all right there. I have a great memory of events, times, places, which really works against me, because I wish I could forget at lot of it. I have been a mess, and have lapsed back into anxiety, numbing myself with junk food which I don't want to do, I was actually 60 lbs overweight when this started a year ago and took all of that off, and I am giving up easily on the activities I enjoy, like cycling, fishing, going to the gym. The enthusiasm just isn't there.

I had one of those really intense sessions yesterday with my therapist. We discussed how full I still am with extreme negative feelings about myself, pain, self stigmatization, anxiety ramping up. We talked about doing dome much more PTSD specific therapy.

I have this overall plan. The specific therapies as I just mentioned. More frequent appts with the psychiatrist and appropriate meds. An overall health plan stressing wellness from the integrative medicine Dr. A comprehensive training program at my gym with my personal trainer plus some group fitness classes. A closely monitored nutrition program from the dietician I see, after I fess up to my slip off the wagon. Continuing to get all of my physical health issues resolved. I also think I am going to volunteer some hours at the legal aid clinic, pro bono work really helps me feel good about myself, and I desperately need that. Education, education, education - learn as much as I can about PTSD, I actually know very little. And, just being good to myself, which is important, including cutting out the negative self-talk. It does nothing but take me to the depths of despair to sit here and tell myself I am the scum of the earth and my photo belongs on the Post Office wall and on America's Most Wanted.

I have to get past this, my life was pure Hell and I deserve so much more. We all do.