Hi. So This is my first post (super nervous)!! I was diagnosed with bipolar almost three years ago after I had some severe postpartum depression. I have since been tossed from med to med trying to find something to make me feel some stability, with little to no luck. I have very rapid cycling, and severe generalized anxiety with multiple panic attacks a day. My struggle is Ive taken the proper steps to get myself the help I need but the soonest I can get any appointsments is always TOO LATE!!! I cant see a psychiatrist until OCTOBER! Ive been seeing someone in family medicine to attempt to help me in the mean time with absolutely no luck! I will admit I have turned to marijuana and other drugs like Valium that can be bought on the street just to get me by from day to day so I can go one day without blowing up and function normally. NOT my proudest moment but Im at the point where I will try almost anything to keep my life together and my loved ones near me. MY LIFE IS VERY RAPIDLY FALLING APART! My VERY LOVING husband of three years is simply getting exhausted with my behavior, and I honestly dont blame him. I am not proud to admit my behavior, not one little bit, In fact im severly ashamed to admit that in midst of my anxiety attacks I get so panicked and angry that I throw things (not at anyone just at walls). Ive broken phones, broken remotes, and countless other electronics that I now miss dearly. I scream at the top of my lungs whatever I feel I need to get out of my system. I basically am, what i like to call, a bipolar volcano. I deal with my emotions, let things simmer inside me, attempt to do my best to address the situation but against my every effort I always seem to explode. Its not only emotional but physical, I feel so shaky, short of breath and irritable that I simply have to physically exert my emotions before I can come down from the anxiety attack. I am sick of myself most days, no longer proud of who I am at all. Ashamed of my behavior and what my bipolar does to me, i often shelter myself and avoid social situations. I am however super clingy toward my husband, which, understandably, drives him nuts some days. He really does try to understand, and knows that its not ME its my bipolar. He knows that im trying my very hardest, but he simply gets exhasuted dealing with it, and like i said before i honestly cannot blame him, its not easy at all. My family knows little to nothing about my behavior because i simply hide it from them. I just avoid talking to them on my bad days. Ive told them im bipolar but they think im using it to get attention because "Im perfectly normal". (obviously they have not seem my explosions) I call in sick to work on days when Im so depressed that I can hardly get out of bed. Just yesterday I was informed that if I miss one more day I will be fired. It will more than likely happen sooner or later since I do have two kids who will eventually get sick and need me around. Ive lost several jobs before because of my attendance. I simply have days where I cannot stop crying. I could watch the funniest thing happen right before my eyes and continue to cry. How am i supposed to go to work and function normally like that?? I love my two boys dearly, they are my entire world and would do anything for them, but on my worst days I do seem to be short tempered with them, which i feel completely awful about.
So with a family that doesn't believe me and has no clue who i really am, a husband who, although he loves me dearly, is exhausted, and two little boys who occasionally feel the wrath of my temper, and about to lose my job (which would financially devastate our family).............WHAT DO I DO? WHERE DO I GO? WHO CAN HELP ME? I don't have time to wait until October to see the one person who can truly help me! I'M FALLING APART AT THE SEEMS AND DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!! I feel hopeless in the sense that I simply