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Originally Posted by htebsiL radnalaS
What I hear is that you aren't allowing yourself any enjoyment as some sort of punishment for what you did... Is that right? And that there also might be some heartbreak happening... So maybe some of this is real depression because you are carrying a lot on your shoulders right now. Whether it requires medication or not, only a doctor can say. I'd try counseling for a while first. Talk with your therapist about how to treat the depression. I also hear that it worries you that you only remembered it after some time passed. It makes sense that you would have blocked it out because you felt so bad about it. But you DID remember. And it didn't take you all that long to remember.
I think the fact that you are honest with yourself and others about something that you did that you find shameful is such a brave thing. And I think it means you're going to be alright. It's great what your therapist said about what we do doesn't define who we are. I'm glad you have someone to talk with in real life too.
I think it's important to remember that you didn't hurt anyone. Not directly. And that is huge. We all have our things we like to do that we aren't proud of. I think that as long as noone is getting hurt it isn't as bad as it may feel. You stole a piece of clothing and enjoyed yourself with it. That's it right? And you feel bad about it. Forgive yourself. People do MUCH worse things in life hurting others. What you did is nothing in comparison. I don't mean to make light of it. I am only saying that if you keep punishing yourself it's more likely going to happen again, because you'd be stuck there. And maybe you wouldn't do that same thing again. Maybe you'd end up doing something that hurts YOU. Keep processing it. Forgive yourself. You've already taken the hardest steps by talking about it. I don't know if this was a bad thing that you did or if it wasn't a bad thing. I don't know if there is more to it or not. What I do know is that it bothers you a LOT and you are addressing it.
Maybe part of the work can be about how to express your feelings in ways that feel more affirming. So next time someone screws with your heart you might be able to express it in a journal or telling them they really hurt you. Maybe part of the work is about owning how hurt you felt... ?
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htebsiL radnala, I feel like you got everything down to a TEE here. Like it actually raises hair on my arms that someone out there understands what I'm going through.
I have opened up to one of my best friends about it, and even this girl I know about it. Like I said, I don't really like what I did; but I guess I am being brave opening up about it. When talking to therapist, I hope he can help me during this tough time.
How exactly do you forgive yourself from an act like this or of things in general? I've been thinking about this sort of thing for a while and some days it'll bother me and others it won't, but I can't find a way to forgive myself. I'm not sure if it's the heartbreak holding me back. Part of me blames myself a lot on the relationship ending (when I don't think that's the case, despite my "act" - since she emotionally cheated on me first).
When I'm hurt, I do tell the person immediately how I'm hurt. I use to keep the feelings bottled up, but not anymore. I have tried journalism some things, but I only wrote a couple times. Maybe I should just write down more of my feelings? I feel like when I do that, it lets out some feelings I can't think of.
I didn't mean to spin this thread of lacking motivation into another subject, but I think we're onto something here. It just REALLY sucks. Sometimes I feel like myself and I'm ready to go back out there, but then I think about it....and I get really anxious and scared. Feel like I don't deserve good things for what I "did", but at the same time I think that collides with every girl I dated has emotionally cheated on me so now I have negative thoughts about that stuff...