I kept rewriting and deleting and in the end I didn't even say what I wanted to, so I'll try to explain again.

As a kid, I was convinced that nobody loved me at home. As I said, I decided that I wasn't my parents' child when I was 5 and I didn't stop looking for proof that I was adopted until I was 12. I started hoping to get sick and die when I was 10 and a friend got leukemia. I always knew that I'd gotten abused but I didn't think that I'd gotten abused enough to warrant all this.

My brother and I were raised very differently, as you can imagine. Like, my mom would hit me but she didn't get to hit my brother at all because someone always intervened. He'd hit my dad and it was fine but if I talked back there would be yelling and it would end with my mom wishing I hadn't been born because I'm worthless. So, I don't know if I'm making any sense, but I thought that the difference in how we were raised caused me to behave like that as a kid and not the abuse itself.

My brother thinks that it was enough abuse, though. And my friend in particular, whose family is a lot less dysfunctional and she got lots of details, was looking at me with her mouth wide open the whole time. My mom on the other hand, says that if I think that I got abused it's because I don't know what abuse is, which is closer to what I thought. I considered myself lucky to have the family that I do and I thought that I was just too sensitive and very dramatic and a bit unworthy of them because I was being unfair towards them. And now I'm just very confused and I'm trying to figure out what happened to me but I can't seem to be able to do it by myself. Am I making any sense now?