I used to love storms and 4th of July, until the PTSD kicked back in, now any loud noises made by anything can cause me to become panicky when I'm not in a state of numbness. Things sort of built up to it yesterday, we covered more instances my trauma in my meeting with my T, my startle response was already heightened when I got there, first thing that put me on edge was helicopters in the sky, then it was a horn honking, then at the grocery store I kept jumping because it was so crowded. Then the storm came and I started getting startled every time the thunder crashed and lightning lit the sky around me. As far as trauma goes, I've been shot at, homeless, robbed, beat down by both police and criminals, jumped, received numerous serious death threats, almost got choked to death over a dozen times, bullied in school, abused as a child sexually, physically, mentally and neglected. I'm also a victim of the drug war, been rounded up and arrested in several RAIDS. Growing up in Detroit I've bared witness to 100's of violent crimes and never snitched once. I was also in a relationship with a narcissistic sociopath for 3 years, which was also very traumatic.

Last night I had numerous nightmares of the beatings, RAIDS, rip offs and I relapsed in my nightmare as well. Like I said in a previous post I much rather be disassociated and numb than feeling all this hyper-arousal.