My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 9 year (!) and weīre only 24.
So we got together very very young.
Looking back at my diaries and reviewing the past with my therapist made me realize how dependent I became on my boyfriend.
With him, I am like a complete different person.
Before we got together at 16, I wasnīt exactly outgoing but I did go out a lot, met people and did my own things, I was very much into "life" having all kinds of projects, friends etc.
When we got together my boyfriend wanted to spend most of his time with me he even got me to and picked me up from all my appointments, when I had dance class or something like that. He did it because he wanted to because we wanted spend as much time with me as possible.
I didnīt object because I enjoyed it, too. He even made friends with my girlfriends and joined in on our meetings. When he didnīt, he picked me up afterwards.
We were together really most of the time.
I think that made me a little less close with my girlfriends and maybe I didnīt make much effort to get to know new people and friends in school, because I was always with him.
When he went away to England for 6 months, in the first year of our
relationship. I noticed how my personality changed, or at least how i FELT in the world.
I became more independent, like my old me, I think, I did more stuff with my best girlfriend, had all kinds of things going on, engaged in different activities and friends etc.
I felt maybe more self-confident, on my own, more "ME".
I missed him too, though. We had a long distance
relationship and still talked on the phone.
When he got back, it was like before he left. I was together with him even more for all the time we hadnīt been together.
I still did my own things, but it was always more a "we" feeling than an I.
Also, I think I really became dependent on him because I didnīt like being alone, sleeping alone, going home at night alone anymore.
I really felt like I NEEDED him. He made me feel safe and without him I felt very unsafe all of a sudden.
Sporadically, over the years, we were apart for some time, and again, my independent me surfaced and I remembered how good that felt.
We made plans to spend less time together several times, but somehow it never worked out for long because we rather spend time together, if we could, I think.
I developed anxiety disorder (PTSD symptoms, generalized anxiety, OCD) in times of family crises and then, when he left for some time, I REALLY couldnīt handle it at all.
I couldnīt sleep for days, it was horrible.
Iīm just wondering if our
relationship contributed to my anxiety disorder or is it that I had roots of anxiety and anxiety inside me even before we went out that made me need him so close in the first place....
So my question is, is this because of something inside of me, or did it simply come from spending too much time with him and forgetting how itīs like to be alone and independent?
.....
