I have had the same five friends since high school. Last night, four out of the five friends all ganged up on me via text messages and phone calls informing me that they will no longer be in contact with me. Because I am "exhausting". They don't like the "new" me. And, best yet, I am "boring".

They have been lying to me and of course, thought I was an idiot and assumed I wouldn't catch on, but they all slipped up. I became their pity thing. One friend hang out with me this week and she didn't even look at me. Like I've become such a god damn burden that you can't even make eye contact with someone you've known for eight years.

They are annoyed that I can't drink and smoke weed. I had a bad night last week or the week before where I was really scared I was going to hurt myself and I texted my friend "Can you please just come sit with me for a bit?" she literally lives 5 houses down. She tells me "I am going to bed, Grey. I'm tired." Then, like an idiot, she includes me in a mass text to see if anyone wants to get "smoked up". Really nice. Really classy.

I have no one but one friend, and she is moving away. They make my illnesses about them. And the one friend who ditched me that night shouldn't have. Because when she was having a manic episode and took too many pills, I rushed her to the ER and visited her everyday for as long as she was there. When she got kicked out of her house, I gave her a good chunk of savings and a place to stay, because that is what friends do.

I hate myself. I feel disgusting. I knew I was nothing but a burden to these people. I guess I just needed the final proof. I am useless as a friend, a family member and everything else.

I hate myself.