Yes, there is something universally wrong, unjust in the situation when guilt is denid by the abuser. I remember I watched a move some months ago, I don't remember the title, it was Asian, Kim Ki Duk's movie. The story was about a girl who has to prostitute and she works at her relatives' hotel/house. They despise her although they earn their living form her and they abuse her, alongside with the abusive work situation. At some point they started living together like a happy family... AFter she was beaten badly they just started acting different but there was no reconciliation, and all felt so wrong, so unjust... I was angry at the family and that made me feel about my family. Maybe they will never like me as a person, they thing I am too strange and intellectual, but I don't like them either and if I can't get from them what one should get from their family - love and acceptance, then to hell with them. Thank you, guys, you have no idea how much strength and hop you gave me with your comments. I want to hug you all!!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lissanya
I stopped talking to my dad when I was 19 and even though we started talking again after a few months, it helped me a lot. Just the distance alone. I started to think of him as a person instead of a parent. I had this idea of what a father had to be like and I just kept trying to make him fit that idea. Then I realized that a person like my dad could never be that. I also realized that there were only so many things I could expect from him. And that, in my case, the few things he is able to give are better than not having him in my life. The stupid, unnecessary things he did in the past will always hurt I guess, as will the fact that he'll never acknowledge them or apologize but I'm fine with what we have now. I've never been able to say that about either of my parents or my grandma.
So, yeah. I'm probably not the right person to give advice --especially not right now-- but I think that if you've come to the point of contemplating cutting all ties with your parents, you should do it. And I understand that you're afraid that you'll feel guilty because my mom raised me like that, too. Sheis so manipulative that I'm afraid I won't be able to tell if she's ever honest. I think that it's already happened and at first the thought terrified me but, really, whose fault is it? Even if you feel guilty, see your guilt for what it is: something that they created to control you. You don't have to let them.
|
Quote:
Originally Posted by yellowfrog268
Hi Beta,
Yes I do have experience with this type of situation.
My abuser (adoptive father) died when I was an older teen. Years later when I felt strong enough to confront his wife (my adoptive mother) about her role in what had happened, she acted as though I had made everything up. She claimed not to know anything about what was going on in the home which was ridiculous because at least twice social services had become involved. How in the hell she had the audacity to sit there and feign amnesia I'll never know.
The bottom line became clear; she was not going to accept responsibility no matter what evidence was placed in front of her. Who knows, maybe to admit her role in what happened is something that she couldn't bear.
I had to make the decision to cut her out of my life because I felt like there was no chance of us healing our relationship and moving forward so long as she refused to acknowledge her part in what had happened. Her preferred way of being is to act like I had a great childhood with loving adoptive parents when that was absolutely not the truth. I just couldn't continue with the lie like I had to do when I was a kid.
Not everyone is comfortable with cutting family out of their lives but for me I knew that if I didn't, my mental health would deteriorate further. It became an issue of self preservation and a desire to move forward and not stay stuck in a toxic situation.
|