Dear JLove-- My heart is with you during this time of the year which can be difficult to begin with ... and so much harder when it's the first holidays after the loss of a loved one. May I offer you a few thoughts?

First, it does sound from your story that your mom was beginning to die that last week. A lot of what you describe is similar to what people experience as they travel the process of death. When my cousin died last year (age 49, liver cancer), the hospice nurse told us that people choose their own time to die. She said that she's known families that were keeping vigil with their loved one & when they all stepped out of the room for a moment, that's one their dear one died. So, perhaps your mom did want to be alone in the bathroom.

May I suggest that you contact a local hospice regarding bereavement services? Many hospices offer bereavement support groups facilitated by a social worker who specializes in grief. Perhaps this could help to comfort your guilt. Hospices offer a safe, non-judgmental place for people to share their journey of grief.

And remember: your grief process is unique and special to you. There are no right or wrong ways to work through it. There is only your way.

As for Christmas, I hope your family can provide support to each other. It'll be terribly tough, I'm sure, but the love that you have for each other will hopefully pull all of you through. Personally, I think it's awesome that your brother has suggested that everyone will share a memory of your mom at the Christmas table. It will be sad -- but in the sadness there can be so much happiness for the life you all shared with your precious mom.

I always like to say that when a loved one passes, we don't grieve for them. We grieve for ourself, and our loss. Your mom is doing great.......you cared for her through her illness. Don't hesitate now to care for yourself.

Please do PM me if you want to chat some more about this.

Blessings to you and your family--
Bandia