Quote:
Originally Posted by ThisIsTough
htebsiL radnala, I feel like you got everything down to a TEE here. Like it actually raises hair on my arms that someone out there understands what I'm going through.
I have opened up to one of my best friends about it, and even this girl I know about it. Like I said, I don't really like what I did; but I guess I am being brave opening up about it. When talking to therapist, I hope he can help me during this tough time.
How exactly do you forgive yourself from an act like this or of things in general? I've been thinking about this sort of thing for a while and some days it'll bother me and others it won't, but I can't find a way to forgive myself. I'm not sure if it's the heartbreak holding me back. Part of me blames myself a lot on the relationship ending (when I don't think that's the case, despite my "act" - since she emotionally cheated on me first).
When I'm hurt, I do tell the person immediately how I'm hurt. I use to keep the feelings bottled up, but not anymore. I have tried journalism some things, but I only wrote a couple times. Maybe I should just write down more of my feelings? I feel like when I do that, it lets out some feelings I can't think of.
I didn't mean to spin this thread of lacking motivation into another subject, but I think we're onto something here. It just REALLY sucks. Sometimes I feel like myself and I'm ready to go back out there, but then I think about it....and I get really anxious and scared. Feel like I don't deserve good things for what I "did", but at the same time I think that collides with every girl I dated has emotionally cheated on me so now I have negative thoughts about that stuff...
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I'm so glad that you feel heard by what I wrote. Thanks for telling me. It makes me feel good about myself.
For me forgiving myself comes thru grief. I cry a lot and scream into my pillow, when screaming is all i can express. Time helps and it's also too slow. I walk around with a heavy heart and try to keep going thru the motions each day.
For over a year I've struggled with such intense regret and sorrow because I wasn't more available when my furry brown beautiful Taņo died. It has been the hardest thing I've ever had to forgive myself for. Eventually acceptance started coming thru. That has helped lighten the heaviness. I believe now that the pain will always be with me. I just accept it. And it's kind of a badge of honor or something... I'll never forget it. Time and crying and screaming and writing and creating things with their photographs and etc etc help soften the sharp edges. I don't know what forgiveness looks like or what it feels like... acceptance makes more sense to me.
Journaling, in general, helps me by being able to dump all the thoughts and feelings out, whether they be positive or negative and everything in between. (And feelings always follow a thought; not the other way around. Feelings are attached to a thought we have. The trick for me is to separate the two by identifying each one separately. Like Twizzlers licorice that you can pull apart.
Then, after putting it all out there, I can see myself more clearly. It's hard to see clearly when it's stuffed inside. After writing I can better decide what I want to do with the thoughts and feelings. What did I learn? How can I reframe the thoughts so it feels less judgmental? The trick is to not edit myself while I write so that I can be completely honest with myself and get to the core of the struggle inside me... so I practice writing without judgment of what is on the paper... it take practice, like most things...
Maybe it would help even just writing a letter (that you won't deliver) to your ex and/or even maybe writing a letter to yourself.
And journaling isn't the only way to get your feelings and thoughts out... there's art and music and writing/drawing with your non-dominant hand and things from other cultures like Eastern practices, etc... really anything that fits your interest or that makes sense to you can help...
The one thing I do know is that the process goes in layers or cycles. I might think I'm done dealing with something and then years later or months later, the universe will bring it back to me and i have to face it again, do more profound internal work, to get to the other side... working THROUGH my fears is the only way for me to get to the other side.
__________________
"The question is not how to change
ugliness into beauty,
pain into pleasure,
or misery into happiness...
The question is how to change
the unconscious into conscious,
how to infuse awareness into ourselves and
embrace reality as it is..."
~ Paramahamsa Nithyananda (Swamiji)