I am not happy being celibate but don't enjoy (and am not good) at sex either.

Raised as a child to be a celibate parental caretaker, I have had a very difficult time sexually as an adult made complex by being gay. I lost most of my friends due to the AIDS epidemic though I was never infected myself.

I don't enjoy dating and cannot understand what others see in me. When others find me attractive, I get confused and scared. Unintentionally from inexperience and subconscious issues, I will say the wrong things. I do not seem to be in full control of my mouth in dating and social situations because of panic. I have totally avoided dating for many, many years.

I have also avoided (for years now) the easy sex in the gay community - the sex clubs / parties, instant hook-up websites and the like. They offer relief but otherwise do not meet my needs for friendship. It seems a lot of gay friends are former boyfriends or lovers but I do not want to go to that to make friends.

Due to chronic (mostly foot) injuries and depression, I have given up my sports leagues and volunteer work. I have a lot of trouble smiling because I am so sad. Being gay overwhelms me and I cannot deal with it.

So, I have a lot of mixed feelings. I want a relationship but also strongly don't want a relationship. I wish sex was enjoyable but I cannot even seem to hold a conversation with a potential date. Thoughts? Comments?