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transientsoul · Sep 01, 2013, 12:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gus1234U

it took me a good long time to work up the nerve to read this thread, and it just kept growing ~! i will just remain numb for a while, now...

i grew up "poor", we had no running water, my mother sometimes made our school clothes out of the cheapest cloth... we rarely had store-bought anything, including food. as a worker, i learned to live on low wages, because i wanted meaningful jobs. but i never knew poverty 'til i acquired a brain chemistry disorder.

the loss of abilities to cope, to strive, to endeavor, to improvise, to repay, to just get up out of bed,,, those are the basis of a poverty far deeper than the lack of money and social status. here i am, alone at home, eating my home equity, injuring myself to get groceries on the little disabled bus, paying more than i have to spare for the ride.... and i'm happier than i have ever been.

it is not necessary to be miserable in misery. at some point a person might stumble onto the way of being happy despite having little to point to other than a surfeit of troubles. this is not as easy as buying a lottery ticket and losing. it does require a deep burning desire to stop being miserable, no matter what the external or internal circumstances are.

i languished in misery for decades, unable to believe there was any way out other than death. i wished for death constantly. it never came, it avoided me, it eluded me... finally, with no other option, i gave up. i accepted that i am damaged, fundamentally, but perhaps not irrevocably. yes, i am poor, my body is failing to function, i am struggling to hold my ground and not deteriorate physically and financially, and not succeeding very well, ok, failing.

but, i have found ways to accept my self, my life, my challenges, my failures. i have found that i am not a body, but that i HAVE a body, and the me that is important is entirely in my care. if i fail to care for my spiritual well-being, then i am miserable and responsible for it. if i practice the things i know lead to peacefulness and calm, then i have the resources i need to make my life bearable, and more, a treasure.

poverty and disability have been my best friends. they forced me to find a way to be free of wanting, and hating, and hurting. any of you who have such friends, i hope will find a way to be free of material misery. perhaps you will gain materially, but i hope more that you find spiritual sanctuary and refuge.

i hope this message is worded carefully enough not to be offensive to anyone.
i hope that each person who suffers finds a way to peace and sufficiency.
i hope that every challenge is met with dignity and calm, as much as possible.

i hope each one reaches the depths of understanding that is true wealth.
Gus

Thank you Gus. Your reply is very relevant because you point out that one can be rich of spirit while poor of wallet. Just the other day I was somewhere and offhandedly made the remark to someone that I have wonderful (online) friends. He said "Oh so you are a rich woman." I paused only for a second to consider his words for while they are true and while it is definitely a good thing to remember, there is still no doubt that poverty is mentally overwhelming. It is good that you have been able to make peace with your state and I wish that I could achieve the peace you seem to have found. As we are taught, acceptance and detachment are imperative for inner peace but unfortunately I have not been able to retain either teaching for long. In fact there are times Buddha Voice speaks up and says something about accepting what is when it is, and I just want to punch it. Like I said in my original post, I'm not asking for a mansion and 3 luxury cars in the driveway but I sure would like the peace that came from having a reliable car, a nice apartment in a good, safe neighborhood, and cash enough to meet my obligations in a timely manner. To me, that simplicity would be nirvana. The thing is, I know that even if I attained that tomorrow, there would still be problems. There always are. On those nights when I succumb to envy, when I drive past those mansions with 3 cars in the driveway - the only thing that even helps is knowing that somehow, some way, those people still have problems. Then again, if your problem is needing a bigger SUV to get your kids to soccer practice or not being able to afford your botox this month, well screw you people.

It's funny, because I've read enough to understand Gus, that ego is the root problem of mankind. Do you feel that if it weren't for ego, living circumstances wouldn't matter a hoot? A shed would be as welcome as an estate? I don't know, and I don't know that it is ever going to be really possible to overcome ego. I think wanting and trying to overcome ego is ego in action. Humans pound their chest and think, "Me human, me conquer anything!" But in the end, our failing only proves out our humanity. I think the only true escape from ego, is death. Frankly, with every day, every year passed... I look forward to that freedom more and more. In the meantime I am adrift on a sea of wishing.

Anyhow, I suppose I've turned your post into something it wasn't. Sorry for that and thanks for your input.