Red Panda, I've been thinking that my mom might have been a Narcissistic Parent fot a while. She definitely fits some of the criteria. She has many issues. I was definitely not the Scapegoat, though. I was her favorite child. She's even said it to my brother. And she used to tell me that she was the only one who loved me and the only one I could trust. My brother briefly became her favorite when I was 16 and he says that it was terrifying. He also says that she hit us more than I say she did. And I don't know how to explain it... I *know* that he's right, even though I don't remember it? But then I worry that I'm making it up because I'm always afraid that I'm just like my mom. My brother keeps having to reassure me that it's not true. All in all, Ι think that I was more like a Golden Child even though I wasn't that, either. I got more abuse than my brother did because she "loved" me more.

My brother says that mom the only dark spot in his childhood. Grandma never seemed abusive to him, she seemed like the most entertaining person in the world. She was more like a mom to him than our mom was. He doesn't think that he had a bad childhood but there are things that he understands and he regrets now. Both grandma and dad treated him a lot better than they did me.

I wrote here afrer I had a huge fight with mom. It was the first time I ever mentioned to her that I felt like nobody ever loved me. She started to tell me that I never should have felt that and that we should talk about it but then she changed her mind, I guess, because she told me that it was proof that nobody ever abused me. I was just born "wrong" and maybe if they had actually abused me, I would have learned to respect them a bit. It made me so mad. I had been going through all of that and nobody even bothered to do something, even though the signs were there. Doesn't that say something about my family? So, on the one hand, it's nice to be have someone tell me that she's wrong but on the other hand it's like... I can't believe that I was abused. I don't want to. And... I feel like I don't deserve the title of the survivor? Like, I'm basically asking people to tell me that I was abused, which means I have a victim complex, which means I'm like my mom and I'm faking things. But at this point, I don't even care how my parents will appear. And it's nice to be able to say that they screwed up, that I don't have to make excuses for them and not feel guilty. Then, I felt that I had everything clear in my head. It's like I had completed a puzzle and now I'm realizing that I left many pieces out and I have to start over. I'm very conflicted. And very... sensitive? I was roughhousing with my brother earlier today and I had to scream "stop" because I froze. I felt like I did when I was a kid and it hasn't happened in years. I've been responding to things like I would have as a child in the last few days and it's awful. I'm afraid I opened a can of worms.

I guess I'll just stop now because I wrote too big a post again. Thanks for your responses!