I've been going through something similar, and I just want to tell you I understand. I don't think any vaguely sane person could go about their life without being tormented by these maybes.

Personally, I came to see that I was tormented by these questions for a reason, and that the real thing standing in the way of finding answers was the struggle between me and... me. Part of me wanted answers, part of me didn't.

I know it's hard to just sit tight with this. It's frustrating and I'm sorry. I think that, in time, you will find you have the answers already, whatever they may be.