Haven't really been talking much the last few days... I feel really anxious with this depression, and I don't know what to do with myself. I feel SO exhausted. And I have too much to deal with and think about. I have to finish 4 distance courses by July 12th; which means reading the rest of 2 books - one very hard to focus on, watch the other half of a course's video lectures, take 11 tests, write 1 very large, 1 medium, and 1 short paper, and memorize/recite about 15 verses. In 3 weeks! It's not that I've procrastinated, I've done part of the course, but it's been so hard to focus, get the work done, papers are difficult anyway, and much of the time I can't see a reason to bother/had plans to not be here to face it.
I start counseling again Thursday- very nervous about that, although I wish it were sooner. I'm afraid of my mom finding out, though. And I feel so lost and small thinking about her... and confused thinking. I really want someone to talk to, I'm feeling really distant from everyone again, and so lonely. The idea of the future is overwhelming to me right now, and I hate thinking about it, but the present's no good, neither is the past, so I have to focus on something... what ifs are awful. I know I'm bad depression-wise despite the steps I've been taking recently, I have every symptom and feel horrible, and feel like I ought to be in a hospital, I don't feel safe. But that's something I can't do, I have to keep this as secret as humanly possible from my mom, because she can't know how bad it is. She'll blame herself. And above all, it can't come out to her that we believe she's abused me... she couldn't handle that. It may send her to suicide. There's another huge burden on my shoulders... my mom's pain.

Dark part
I've had thoughts of suicide again - not that they've gone far, I just want to escape. And I want so badly to slice myself up, or burn, or do something para-suicidal(like take pain killers but not enough to do damage, or make cut marks over veins but not deep) or strictly fast and purge if I give in. Or maybe try something new and wrong but numbing - like sniffing household products to try to get high, or drinking the alcohol available in my house. Not so much for attention, but for something to do, to feel with focus or none at all. I've been pushing my car to 90 on the backroad I live on - which is a rush because it's hilly, though safe enough. I did it at first in line with apathy, but when I realized how fast it made my heart beat it felt good, for a short while.

I don't think I can handle this week. I need something to keep me going badly.

<font color=green>____________________________
Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.</font color=green> Sounds good...