This is a weird one, but I can spend hours and hours reading books and academic journal articles about trauma, trauma therapy, and sequelae of abuse, while I isolate myself, ignore my basic physical needs, and basically make myself an anxious, spaced out nervous wreck. It’s like I think if I can just read enough and get enough information, I can fix myself, but I just make myself worse.

Today, I spent hours on the couch reading Therapy for Adults Molested as Children by John Briere. At 8PM, I realized I hadn’t eaten since this morning, and I almost passed out because I so felt nauseated and light headed and dissociated trying to get up and remedy that situation. I ended up laying down on the floor in the living room (thank Gd I’m the only person at home this weekend, so I can act crazy without any roommate involvement) while I tried to collect myself.

I know from all that extensive reading that maybe one way to look at this is as an attempt at mastery, but it feels very compulsive and maybe a little self-destructive.

I want to talk to my therapist about this bizarre behavior, but I am so embarrassed that I am doing this to myself.

Does anybody else struggle with this kind of behavior? Am I completely crazy?