You're not a screw up *hugs*

You say its a compulsion, one of my techniques to help with compulsions is to recognise it for what it is. I say to myself "This is just a compulsion, just because I feel the urge to do this, does not mean I need to do this". It takes a while for it to work but I kept at it every time and now I say it and can fight against my compulsions. When the SI urge is that strong I find distraction really helpful too.

Keep safe!