Taonuviel, I feel SO badly for you right now; your pain sounds very similiar to mine.
I have a counseling session next Tuesday, and I never told my mother, either. I don't want to tell her because of all the things I put her through in the past, with the cutting, hospitalization, depression, ect... I know it hurts her, and if she knows that I've fallen far enough again to need therapy, she'll be devastated. I doubt she'd commit suicide, but she would be hurt beyond the quick.......as I am now.
It is hard to find someone to talk with who will listen to you, I agree, but trust me, they ARE out there. I feel alone now as well, and this site is the only place where I express how I'm really feeling. It kills us inside, I know, but we need to be able to reach out and take the hands that are reaching out to US.
Yes, thinking about the future can be difficult. I try not to as much as possible, as I try to ignore the present. My past was good, and I think about probably TOO often, but I feel it's all I have. I know pleasant are thoughts are extremely difficult, that I can't lie about, however we NEED to search for them, because I think they really are out there if we just know where to look.
I understand your thoughts of suicide. They are constantly on my mind as well, and I've gone as far as making a few foolish, recent attempts. But I survived them, and I like to think it was for a reason. YOU'RE still here as well, also for a reason, I know. I think we all have a purpose, we just need to try and hang in there and find it. I STRONGLY advise against sniffing ANY kind of household product, it won't help and it's very dangerous. Drinking is not the answer, either. I'm not by ANY means calling you weak, because I'm thinking and feeling the same way you are right now. Life does have its dark moments, but if you can get past those and hang on just a little longer, it may have it's times of light, truth and happiness as well.
I wish you luck in your courses, and try to stay strong. I know you'll find your way. Just make sure you're around to find it. I know you can do it. If you need to, you can pm me. I'm here often.

Well, that's all. Good luck and take care of yourself.

Best wishes.

(((((((((((taonuviel)))))))))))))