Hi Josie. I know it probably wasn't easy to share these personal musings so I thank you for doing so. I appreciate the way you write, it is very natural.

I think I have an idea of what you are trying to describe. Loneliness in any form is hard to bear. The sense I get from your self-reflections is that you are conflicted. I believe that conflict stems from trying to understand yourself. You say you feel "guarded" all the time. What do you think you are guarding yourself from? Often, we guard ourselves because we don't want to be hurt. The feeling of being vulnerable can be an uneasy one. Since you're not sure about your own feelings, you might have a tendency to want to isolate yourself so your self-doubts are never exposed to others. I think you need to take some time and explore who you are and who you want to be. Building more self-confidence and reaching out for your own happiness can push away the loneliness. I think your post here is a very good start down that path. Try to realize your true self-worth. Your words are not "ridiculousness", not at all. You are valuable whether you can see that right now or not.

If you are not already consulting with a therapist, I recommend that you find one that is right for you to help you explore some of these issues. You may need a boost in your self-confidence and some of this sounds like depression to me. Keep in mind that "connections" with other people require effort and that can be exhausting sometimes. However, it is important to have people in our lives because it is in our nature to connect with others. We all need a support system after all. Learning to trust others, to let our guard down, is difficult but it is worth it to let others in. Just work on it at a pace that is comfortable for you.