Because I still feel like I am spinning my wheels. A year out. The most effed up year in an extremely effed up life. One year ago this morning, at this time, sunrise, I came the closest I have ever been to taking myself out of the game. I just didn't have the balls to pull the trigger. In hindsight, I am gratefull. 99% of the time, I am glad to be alive, I can see myself for what I am, a survivor, and I am actually pretty damned tough, more than I give myself credit for being. I want a shot at a real future where I am finally in the driver's seat, not just riding bound and gagged in the trunk, blind and terrified and at the mercy of the ghosts of the past who are in control of the vehicle. I think I've more than earned it.

I told myself I was going to make this a good weekend, a de-stress weekend. I can't even do that. Days are decent, but the evenings and nights it just all floods back to me, and I can't stop it, and I end up wallowing in past miseries. I have been working out a lot in the past year, been super proud of myself for that, and all of the sudden, I lack the motivation. Which scares me, i am really in to fitness, have some really specific goals I want to meet. To me, that feels like depression ramping up. I tried to go out last night and get in a decent 20-25 mile bike ride, but I wasn't more than a couple of miles into it and I started thinking about my father, the misdiagnosis, etc, and my mood turned sour and I basically parked it for a while and just sat there and snarffed down some trail mix and water under a tree and felt sorry for myself, made it worse by listening to some old music full of bad memories, then turned around and went home and said to Hell with it and went to bed.

I guess my thinking about this is unrealistic. When I was told bipolar, I thought I was toast, no way to win. So, when I was told C-PTSD, I felt like I was let out of a cage, and I said to myself I can beat this, piece of cake compared to bipolar.

It's just so much harder than I thought it would be. I keep doing everything I know how to do, I keep making my own breaks ("Luck ain't luck, you gotta make your own breaks" - It's My Life, Bon Jovi), and I'm treading water at best.

Can't I just have one f***ing bike ride in peace? I don't think that is too much to ask for.

Please tell me this gets better.