excuse me while I rant and rave some more. Seems we want to have this disorder and if we didn't we could change it. Seems that it's a glorious thing to get people to pay attention to you because you have this and physical pain to boot. And of course the pain is related to the PTSD, not the fracture, not the broken tail bone, not the arthritis, not the degenerative disks.

We like getting attention and then we like to stab out at those who are helping us. It's because we get some sick joy from it. We like to be scared all of the time and wonder when the next boom will hit.

It really doesn't matter that I got the crap kicked out of me for being alive, I am supposed to maintain common acceptable behaviors at all times.

Don't trust is the rule here. I told her everything so she could help me and when I was triggered she got all weird on me and took it personally. I learned to take a different route, As my trunk grew so my leaves could reach the sky I was next to a strong fence pushing against me and I grew into and around it so the fence now runs through me. The wire lies side by side with my fiber and I have created pathways around the wire to get my sap flowing and feed myself. Yet, I am supposed to make new paths and pretend the fence is not there.

When I was 17 at camp chewonki in Wiscasset Maine I saw a tree with a fence grown through it. That tree wanted to thrive and reach the sun so it compromised and made it's self grow around the fence. It was a revolutionary sight for me as even in my subconscious I knew what it meant. I wish I had a picture of it.

I feel so hurt I want to explode. I am not turning it in, and I am not turning it toward her. She doesn't even know any better. Medicine has become a joke. Why wouldn't I call if I was afraid? Why wouldn't I call to advocate for my daughter to get the best treatment? They don't call back with answers so you keep calling and asking. I hate it. I want so much to be different.