Oh… I do this SO much! I read anything I could get my hands on, I can watch hours and hours of videos on YouTube about abuse, movies … it certainly is an obsession for me and I have no idea why! For long time I didn't have any reaction to it but since I started T things changed. On Sunday I was again fully into it and then I started to feel really anxious and I was actually shaking. That was when I asked myself why the hell do I do this to myself???