Thanks for sharing your thoughts, all. Based on what others have said of their own plights, I could be in the same boat as you guys... Depression may be keeping me from being interested in anything else and finding a new interesting hobby I can do. That and the fixation on wanting what I can't have doesn't help.

Brackles, obedience, rally, agility, flyball, herding, mushing, and disc dog are all things I've trained in. I like to focus on agility. A few clubs here have green fees so you can practice on the fields around other people and dogs without needing a class. I much prefer that because we can go whenever we want, train at our own pace, and practice what we need to practice. Instructors around here aren't always the most knowledgeable trainers either. I also don't need to make small talk with people.

I don't have any human friends and my family is either estranged or lives far away and has no interest in my life. What a downer, I know. I have some pretty serious trust issues with people to boot.

Yep. I certainly have tried, but most are not interested in talking by email. I'm not talking 2 or 3 either... the number is somewhere over 20 now. Some will refuse to even reply to email, despite listing one online (which is illogical). If I get a message back at all they will often ask me to call them instead and/or gloss over my questions, and/or don't seem to read or comprehend what I've written to them. I've noticed a lot of breeders are from a generation that doesn't seem to understand or like computers and that doesn't help communication. I get extremely frustrated when I spend a lot of time thinking of thoughtful questions and introducing myself (while agonizing over how to do so and be socially appropriate), only to be ignored on the most important issues.

I have severe telephobia and that doesn't help with my social skills on the phone... if I can phone them at all. Even if I let them phone me I'll be sweating buckets and my voice will shake. I'm self conscious about my voice and I tend to slur my words or blurt out spoonerisms. I have a hard enough time being social face-to-face never mind when I can't even see their body language. The ones I have been able to get through to were not breeders I wanted to get a dog from; they didn't have the qualities I was looking for, turned out to be rude, or tried to pull something on me eventually. After searching for years I've basically given up hope. I've gone through the breed club list and the pickings are getting slim.

Rescue dog is not an option. I have to mention this because It was the first route I tried, and I tried for an entire year exhausting every feasible option (private rescues, classifieds, petfinder, shelters within several hours of my city - I'm willing to travel). I had multiple experiences that were very bad. I tend to be give people the benefit of the doubt, and to date I have lost over $500 on trying to find a rescue dog. That money went into travel, fees, deposits, and vet bills. I'm also tired of people invading my house and privacy for home and reference checks (reference checks are hard because I have no friends). I'm tired of dealing with illogical and sometimes hostile people. I am NOT going that path again. I still visit my local shelter every week to see if I "get lucky" and find that special dog, but we don't actually get a lot of dogs around here.

This is getting a bit long so I'll leave it at that.