Poppy,
i've been off the forum for a bit, and not familiar with your background except for what your profile said. I am, however, familiar with the feeling of being empty, hopeless and scared with no where to turn.

Do you have access to a therapist? I know they are expensive, but some will give breaks. Sometimes in the beginning, medication can help you break through enough of the haze to open up.

You've obviously noticed that depression is not uncommon. At least not on this forum, but everyone's depression is unique to that person. Since you are suicidal, I'll make a guess that part of your fear is of yourself. Usually, people don't really want to die. They just want the pain and uncertainty to end. In the grips of depression, even the people that love you don't make you feel loved. Forget the light at the end of the tunnel. That is too cliche. There is hope though, no matter how bad things seem. No matter how dark it gets. I'm not saying that the rest of your life will be rosy, but it doesn't have to stay at this intensity either.

I'm glad you feel that you can come to this forum and talk. Whether its face to face or in a forum, everyone needs someone to talk to. Someone to care. We do care. Most of us have been where you are and are in different stages of recovery. What you are feeling could be due to brain chemistry or a specific loss. If it is due to a loss, there is no guide book on getting over things. People heal at different rates, and despite those however many steps you are supposed to go through, some skip steps, never go through some, get stuck on others or any number of possiblilities. Our society says that we are supposed to take x amount of time to recover from a loss or illness, then we are expected to return to work or school like nothing happened. It doesn't work that way. There is a point at which it becomes pathologic, when it interferes with your functioning so significantly that you are frozen. If that has happened, the root of the problem does need to be discovered so that you can get on with going forward.

Sam2