or at least to me is seems very real. I've written so many posts in the past week or so and always end up deleting them because I'm afraid of putting myself out here. Why I can't really tell you because I posted fairly often when I first joined the site some months ago but as I've pulled away from everything IRL to protect myself and I guess I have done that on here also. I'm sorry that I have because I know without any doubt that I get more out of reading how much you all care about each other that you are good people than I do from anything else. I have a problem feeling like I deserve to be around good people. Because I'm not one. I know that people who have read about my situation with my exhusband think it is a no brainer to pick up and get away from here.......fear is a powerful motivator. Yes in the past few months and including healing right now, I've a briuses, stitiches and broken bones and not alot of help from the local police or judicial system. I have taken steps to protect myself but in my current state of depression it may not end that way. And yes I do already know it is my fault that any of it happens because I make him angry and he says that no one can make him angry like I do and I bring it on myself......I'm trying to feel my way through the solution if it is a good one for me or everybody else or if they go hand in hand. I can do what will get everybody out of this and make them happy again.
Just yesterday I started a new experimental 6 week treatment with a drug called DMSO for my IC and in turn the Cardiologist who treated me after my heart attack in october is hoping it will work for the inflammation around my heart. He is increasingly concerned about my state of depression but he hopes the Celexa, xanax and etc, will get me "over the hurdle" he says........I took the depression quiz again just this morning because I'm going today to my second therapy appointment......89, the highest score yet since I first came to PC.......I'm pretty sure the goal is to have the number go down not up so once again I'm failing. Very little sleep again last night is probably not a good thing either.

Thanks for letting me ramble.......probably for the most part doesn't even make alot of sense and I'm sorry. Thanks for listening
Lori