I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years. We just bought a house and there is talk of marriage. I love him with all I have, I'm just finding it difficult to love his 3 year old. I've chosen to take the "stay at home" mom role, to be with my 22 month old (previous relationship). I feel awful for having these feelings. What type of monster am I? How can someone hate a child? I'm not sure if its because I can't stand his mother (father has custody). She is never around and will always choose a party over time with him. But he's constantly asking "is my mommy coming? I like her". And it feels like a knife in my chest. It's getting worse, my anger towards him. I've hit him, pushed him (after I caught him continually pushing my son down, and time out didn't work, not that's it's an excuse) I've cursed at him, I've called him dumb. Then I hate myself. Like, who does that to a 3 year old. But I just can't control it, I feel like a monster. And he isn't "innocent" in all of it (again I know it doesn't make it right). He acts dumb. He pretends he can't put on his own shoes, which I've witnessed many times before. He pretends that he can't dress or undress himself. He constantly lies about little things. He annoys and tries to bully my toddler, who after having enough retaliates by pushing, hitting, or biting. Then I have to listen to the 3 year old do his high pitch girly squeal. Sometimes I wonder if its something mentally wrong with him that causes this (such as a disorder) or if its emotionally trauma from his mother being a ***** and dragging him around different men every time she picks him up (once in a blue moon). Then the fact that he doesn't have his daddy's full attention any more. I know I should go to therapy, but I'm terrified ill just be hauled off in cuffs for child abuse. I really don't mean to do it, I just get so angry. It's even starting to effect my relationship with my 22 month old. How can I control this anger and this hate I feel? Please help me. I don't want to lose such a great family and man over my anger.