This is something I never really learned. It seems like the simplest thing and most people in this world seem to be on the other end of the spectrum than me.

Not sure where to begin and I don't really want to go into a long post about my life history. I guess it started with feeling like a burden to everyone. When I was younger from the time I can remember, I didn't have any parental support. I have a lot of memories of playing alone. I can remember a lot of times that my dad was passed out on the couch. I didn't know why at the time, but looking back I am sure it was drugs. My dad had a drug problem early in my life. Pain pills I think or at least from what I was told. When I was little I had an older brother, an older half brother and sister. I don't remember playing or doing anything with them. Two much of an age gap I think. My brother is 5 years older and my half siblings are 10 & 11 years older.

My mother wasn't around much. She was always working. I was talking to my therapist about it and I remember repeating something at the time and not really thinking about it. I remember her saying that she would rather be working than at home. It wasn't really until my therapist made a comment that I thought about how terrible that is to say to your kid.

Around 7 my parents split up. I guess things weren't working out. I don't remember many interactions between my parents. The straw that broke the camels back was my mother allowing my sisters boyfriend to move in. The boyfriend who was 18 got my sister pregnant who was 14 at the time. You would go to jail for that now, but that didn't happen. He was pretty much a low life. She is still with him and he is a drug addict, but that is another story.

When my parents split up they asked me who I wanted to live with. Being that mom wasn't around much and dad took care of me the most I choose to live with him. Me my brother and dad moved in with my uncles. It was a really slummy house. When I was a kid I remember feeling really ashamed of the house. It was filthy and there was bugs. I never wanted my friends to come over. I didn't have a room either. I slept in my dad's bed till maybe 12 and then I slept on a blanket on the floor.

My brother got treated better than me a lot. He was the baby of the family. I remember he got most of everything he wanted and I was left to make due. Well he got a bed at least. I guess I have an inferiority complex from it. Me and my brother never got along either. He was always a jerk to me. I don't talk to him much anymore, or most of my family for that matter.

When I was in my teens I found out the person I was living with wasn't my biological father. As if I didn't already have enough to cope with, that wasn't news I wanted to really know about. I'm pretty sure he knew. I also think he had a vasectomy after my brother was born. Not sure of the exact time, but I am pretty sure it was before I was born.

I knew my biological father. My mother had an affair with her sisters bf, now husband. I'm guessing drinking and poor judgement was involved. He knows as well, but he was never part of my life. Not that I want him to be or anything, just stating it for clarity.

I guess what all of that sums up to is I have never felt like a worthwhile person. I can't remember a time in my life where I really liked myself either. I try my best to hide it, but I am very insecure. I also lack confidence. It takes a lot of effort to build myself up to get the things I want. It seems like every time I achieve my goals it feels hollow. I never feel really good after achieving something. I was the first in my immediate family to graduate high school. I then went on to get an engineering degree and a good job. I never feel good about myself though. It seems like the smallest failure brings me back down and I feel like an utter failure.

As an example a week ago I got in trouble at work. I missed a project that my boss wanted me to get done. After he called me in his office and had a meeting about it, I got really depressed. Depression is also something I struggle with too often. Since my teens that I can remember, but I think it has been longer but I didn't know that I was different than most people.

I know rationally I shouldn't feel bad about myself. I am generally a good person, and I haven't did a lot of wrong things in my life. There is something inside me that makes me feel awful about myself. Like I am never good enough or that no one really cares. I'm now married and have a child on the way, due in march.

How does someone learn to like themselves? From what I have read it is something that usually happens in child hood development. How do you fix it if you had a neglectful childhood?

Sometimes I feel okay about myself, but more often I don't like myself. Sometimes I don't even like to look at myself. I feel unattractive and unappealing, but it is different from that. I often get a feeling of shame and disapproval. For what I don't know. I am also overly critical of myself, and I have way to much negative self talk at times. I also battle feelings of worthlessness. That may be from esteem issues or depression.

I am in therapy and we touched on the topic a couple of time, but didn't get into it. At the moment my therapy is an problematic situation because of insurance. I know I need it, but if it doesn't work out I have a good feeling I will give up on it. The same thing happened in my teens. A problem with insurance and I had to restart with a new therapist and I went to a couple of sessions and then quit altogether. After 6 months I trust her as much as I think I can, and I don't want to have to rebuild that. I'm just not sure what to do. I try to make it through the day and seem as normal as I can be. I keep how I feel to myself and act how I think I should, often ignoring how I feel. As you can imagine that takes a lot of energy to do. Feeling good about myself just seems like a foreign concept to me.