Quote:
Originally Posted by growlithing
But I was a bad kid. I never listened when adults told me to do stuff. I was expelled from preschool for sassing the teacher. I was sent to the office nearly everyday in elementary school. I have ADHD and instead of treating me, they tried to beat me into submission. If I were normal, none of this would have happened. The emotional abuse was just an overwhelmed mother trying to help me.
I am in therapy. I haven't seen my T in 16 weeks but I am seeing her today so that is good. It isn't really clear if I am depressed or just damaged.
I know I am abusing myself. I don't know how to get myself to stop or to even just convince myself thar I don't deserve it. I can't even think of 2 things I like about myself, let alone 10. Whenever I said anything positive about myself as a kid, my mom told me to stop being so arrogant. I also don't believe I am capable of getting all those things that would make me happy. I believe I might be able to get my dream job. I don't think any man will ever want me and if he does, he probably will be horribly abusive because there has to be something wrong with him that made all of the better women reject him.
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You were NOT a bad kid. Your parents were bad parents! You're telling you had ADHD....guess what relation between abuse and ADHD is heavily under-researched. (even I have ADHD....and I was sexually abused. I didn't have ADHD in my child, it started after abuse). You perhaps had ADHD because you were being abused (but only a doc can confirm that).
You were defiant in school........because frustrations of abuse at home made you behave that way. You had to show your frustrations of your gross mistreatment somewhere. If you showed your frustrations at home....that would have invited more abuse.....so you showed at other place - school.
You hated teachers, because your parents were poor role models, which made you hate adults in general.
You ABUSE is at the centre of all your problems.
First, please stop taking your performance at school and your teachers words, etc. to your heart. They perhaps had no idea what you were going through. And, half the teachers ARE frustrated individuals stuck in jobs they did not want.
Second, STOP BLAMING YOURSELF SO MUCH.....
YOU WERE ONLY A KID!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kids deserve only unconditional love.....but instead your mother told lies about how bad you are!!!!!!!!
For kids, home should be the place they'd ALWAYS be safe, protected by parents.....world outside is a cruel place. That's what helps them grow emotionally. But in your case....you never had that!!!! Your own parents ATTACKED you. Home was a violent place, where you never knew what ugly would happen.
No child deserves that!!! It's like.......your mother robbed you of your childhood!! A person may survive a thousand bricks thrown by the world, but even a pebble thrown by family leaves a wound for a lifetime!!!!!
Even your school should have tried to get the root of your problem....they didn't!!!!!!
So dear, you told me you couldn't even list 2 positive things about you.....you atleast have 1!!! So that's a good start.
As you heal inside, that list would grow longer. Separate yourself emotionally from your mom. Divorce her in your mind. She no longer should have any control over you. Don't listen to anything she said.
Whatever she said about you are completely untrue! Write in a paper whatever she said about you in a piece of paper.....write all incidents where she hurt you. BURN THAT PAPER.
With that burning, all that she said would become null and void (because they are).
Third, I'm not sure if you have completed school or not.....if you have not....please enroll and complete it. Get education that would help you get a decent job....empower yourself so that you don't have to even financially dependent on your mother. I'm sure your therapist can help you with that....maybe recommend...I don't know.
Fourth.....You are hurt now. Don't expect the hurt to go away immediately. It takes many baby steps. Today you are feeling awful....you are hurting. Try everyday to cheer yourself up. You owe that to yourself. Start you day with chant of "I am special. I deserve love. I deserve care. I deserve a little pampering".
Hurt doesn't heal, unless you try......EVERYDAY! Stop self harming. You may succeed one day.....not so successful tomorrow.....but you have to keep trying!!!
Fifth......please exercise. Exercising releases endorphins. Endorphins make you feel good. It gives you the attitude of "Yes...I can!"
Sixth......just believe. Believe in a brighter tomorrow and also believe that you HAVE the power to change your life. All people who have come out of tough situations, came out solely because they believed!
From my interactions with you, you do come across as a very smart, intelligent girl. You know ALL your problems stem from abuse in the hands of your mother. That's HALF the battle won. I know you can turn this situation around. Every diamond has to abrased roughly before it can shine.
This moment in your life is your acid test. On the other side, you will come across - wiser, braver, stronger and smarter.
Finally, I can't emphasise this enough........please see a therapist. We ALL are messed up people. Messed minds can't treat messed minds......you need someone sand to guide you.
Good luck dear!!
