My session today touched on a few things I've posted threads about (avoiding a tantrum, T going to a funeral, calling just to hear his voicemail) so I thought I'd post a thread about it.

I said I thought about him yesterday, when I knew he was at the funeral. I told my husband I didn't know whose funeral it was and my H said it might be in the paper if it was local but I felt like I would be intruding. My T asked if I wanted to intrude and I said no. I told him I was glad he let me know he had a funeral, so I didn't freak out when he contacted me during the break to move our next session, but I didn't feel I wanted to intrude or to know who died.

My T said he wasn't sure if he told me he had to go to a funeral because he was looking after himself, me, or both of us. He said he didn't tell every client. I don't know if that means he only told me, or some others too. He said on the one hand, he didn't want me to go into fantasies about why he moved the session, and on the other hand he wanted to avoid having me reacting badly to the session being moved. On the rare occasions when he's had to rearrange sessions before, it's gone down like a lead balloon.

I told him I did briefly fantasise that he deliberately booked the funeral on Tuesday so he'd have to move my session. I felt really embarrassed sharing that, as obviously it's nothing to do with me. My T was great though. He said: "Oh yes, and I murdered the person specially so we'd need a funeral in the first place." Then he said it was great that I shared that and I shouldn't feel shame about it.

I told him that I saw off a potential rupture because I knew he had the funeral coming up. How I wrote out all the reasons why I was upset and angry with him, then went through and figured out what they were really about, why I was triggered. It was mostly me taking things completely the wrong way thanks to transference and I could see that, could see I was being reminded of feelings at other times. There was one thing that was about him, but I recognised that he didn't deliberately or thoughtlessly try to hurt me. He just said the wrong thing, because that happens sometimes, and it doesn't mean I can't trust him.

I asked if that meant I'd get some kind of therapy badge for seeing through transference. T said I was getting really good at it and I could have a gold star. I kept fishing for more praise so he asked - seemingly quite seriously - if I needed another star. I said I was just polishing that one.

I got confused as my session had started at a different time that usual. I asked my T to hold my hand and then I started crying because I wanted him to hold it differently so my hand was underneath and I felt stupid about how badly I wanted that. T said it made sense to him. He said it was interesting how I got confused about the time, thought the session was almost over and then wanted to hold his hand, as we've figured out that I often want him to hold my hand or hug me near the end as if I'm trying to hold onto him until next time.

We talked about how I've been having these awful body memories, ie physical flashbacks, of CSA. Stabbing pains, that kind of thing. I said that was why I rang to hear his voicemail, and asked if it was okay to do that. T said yes, but not too late at night please in case he forgets to turn his phone off. Then he asked if I wanted him to record his voicemail greeting as a memo on my iPhone. I said yes, then hid - picked my sweater up off the floor and put it over my face - as I was embarrassed that he was doing something for me. He even played it back to check it worked.

Then we talked about some more difficult stuff I don't want to write out. At the end of the session, I got really confused and started looking around for my shoes. I've been seeing my T since last year and have left my shoes on the shoe rack in reception every time so it was curious that I forgot and looked for them today.

Not sure how this ended up being such an essay, oops.