(((tinyrabbit))),

You need to understand that when someone experiences something like this, it is normal to react and "block it out" the way you did. This is "not" something any child or even teenager has the life skills and overall knowledge to know how to react in this kind of scenario.

You also need to realize that human beings are designed to "do just what you did" and we are designed that way to "ensure our survival".

You struggle with "I knew all along but somehow I shielded myself from it", that is normal. Our brains will opt to do this if we have no way to "understand" how to react and defend in situations like this. Instead, we often opt to move forward if we can and "block off whatever we do not understand" or have the capacity to react to emotionally.

At this point you have more "knowledge and processing abilities, as well as emotional reasoning with "this feeling goes with this kind of experience". However, the brain also has a way of only "slowly" leaking these experiences out to the overall areas of the brain that "process with also our emotional senses". Remember, our brains are wired to "self protect" and "avoid experiencing chemical dumps" from trying to "process too much all at once".

It is "very important" that you do not allow yourself to begin to "self blame" for not doing the things that you "now know how to do or now know is very wrong" about your history of abuse. The truth is, "you really did not know how to react at the time of abuse". The reality is that "when this abuse took place, you were pretty much a deer in headlights and you genuinely did not know "how to respond" other then the way you responded. However, children and young teens do sense they are doing "something wrong" and they tend to "hide it" feeling that somehow they too are at fault and for some reason "no one will understand their abuse and "may blame them" or even make it worse somehow.

It took me a long time to "understand this myself too". I do remember being "afraid" but I also felt that if I "told" that it would make it worse somehow. I realize now, that how I handled "fear and abuse" was all I really knew how to do at the time.

I never imagined that I would be revisiting these experiences "years" later when I developed PTSD. I thought that I had simply survived my past and had somehow just moved on, I didn't realize that it damaged me and created defense mechanisms that were typical of "abuse victims".

The feelings of "self blame, and even being "damaged" or somehow unworthy" is the normal response to finally facing and working through "experiencing sexual abuse" in some way. However, this is something that is experienced by "many" and you are truly not "damaged" either. You have survived and thrived even though you experienced something that was an "assault on your trust and sense of safety".

(((Caring Hugs)))
OE