I went for a massage to relieve neck/shoulder pain and the holistic therapist turned out to be an aspiring inspirational speaker. She is religious but accepted my vague notion of a higher power as opposed to her God. I went a few times and each time she would suggest things for me to do to help myself. Drink water, muscle exercises, how to breathe correctly, mantras. She sent a link to a video with one of her inspirational talks.

I pushed all her efforts away, and ended up in the massage feeling the depth of my darkness as opposed to her light, and like I was just treating her badly. In fact, one of her final comments to me was about bringing darkness into the light to make the darkness go away.

I'm left confused about why I pushed her away. Don't I want to do things to feel better? My last T told me I'd never get better because I want people to look after me too much. I know I'm uncomfortable with preaching and people trying to draw me into religion (even though I feel devoid of spirituality and wish I had some!)

I'm also confused because I feel like I need help at the moment. I had therapy in the States where the focus was on learning how to ask for help, and then a T back in England who was telling me to grow up and look after myself. I feel horrible but I don't thnk I'm clinically depressed and I don't want anti-depressants anyway, I think they've made things worse before. There's a nice looking lady with the right approach on the internet but she costs alot of money. I feel guilty about asking for anything on the NHS because I don't get better and I'm a drain on resources. My best idea at the moment is to drop in to the Samaritans but what will happen is i'll sit outside for ages til it shuts and never get in there. There are free helplines through work but I hate using the phone and I'll do the same thing of sitting there thinking about it and never doing it. And I feel bad for saying things like 'I never get better' and talking myself out of all the different options.