Thanks Open Eyes. I really really appreciate all you have said here. I'm so sorry you have endured such hurt and had it come back to you through PTSD.

It's hard to resist self-blame as it lessens the sense of betrayal. The crazy thing is that even now, despite the history of abuse and assault that has its roots in CSA, despite the PTSD, panic attacks, flashbacks, sui feelings, disordered eating, somatic health issues, all of it, I still can't seem to hate him. The bonds of attachment are so strong that, even though I'm having bodily flashbacks, I still can't hate him. Probably because it means admitting what a terrible excuse for a father I grew up with, what I've lost and never had.

I have been wavering between denial (usually for absurd reasons like "but he was smiling in a photo") and acceptance, but have run out of denials. I've been talking about it - cryptically in sessions, more openly by email - with my T and he told me today that he believes me and feels there is truth in this, but then he said something about how sometimes we remember things differently to make them easier to cope with. I wondered what the heck he was talking about.

Later on, I realised. I'd just been saying I was sure I was asleep when it happened which is why I don't really remember much. That I was asleep so I didn't know it was happening. Now I'm wondering if that's another defence I've set up in my mind. My dad always went to bed hours later than my mum and I was afraid of the dark and afraid to go to sleep - I still put off going to sleep now, I guess this is why - so I think he did do stuff to me in my sleep.

But he used to R-word during the day. I'd stay off school (choosing to be there with him so I do feel like it's my fault, like I must have wanted it). My sleep disorder didn't get really bad until my 20s. And even then I didn't sleep all day, I just found it hard to get up. But I keep insisting I was asleep when it happened, because that's easier than entertaining the idea that I was awake and had to dissociate.