Hello everyone. I have been gone for a while, so idk if anyone remembers me, but I'm back with a question.

I am trying to figure myself out, and things I normally ignore or use as an auto-response I am trying to understand. I feel like I fake empathy a lot. I accidentally step on someones toe, I apologize, but it is just so fake it is awful. Idk if they can tell, but it is annoying to do. Or if someone tells me something they are going through, I can only rarely really care. It's ****ing awful. But other times, I am just so distraught over the wars and over someone who lost their leg rock climbing, but idk if I can just understand that that would suck, or if I really care. And then other times, I will lash out at my bf or something and as soon as he has a reaction that shows he didn't like how I said or did something, I automatically feel bad but it is almost as if I feel bad because they reacted towards me and not because I hurt their feelings. I can tell when I do, and I try so hard to genuinely care, but idk if I really do.

I have borderline traits and was diagnosed with just bpd traits about three times since I was 14 (I am 21 now) because I don't have a full blown disorder because it only really affects my romantic relationships these days; however, my lack of connection to humanity is everywhere. But as I said before, it is either overbearingly heartbreaking for the dying children and people in wars, or I am just living my life in fear of having to have an emotional response to a real person.

What is wrong with me? Anyone else have this problem? Any ideas on what it could be? I am thinking I have NPD traits as well, but idk.

Thanks in advance. It is good to be back.