((tr)),

It is "normal" to still want to "love" a parent and not want to see an abuser as someone "bad". We all are designed to "love our parents" and look to them as someone we also need to "please" too.

It is not unusual for a child to go along with "SA" either and have a part of themselves confuse it with "they must be special" somehow and that is why it is happening.

If you disassociated, that doesn't mean "you consciously chose to react that way", this is something that happens "without conscious effort", it is our natural way to "protect" that we often do not even "realize" we use.

I don't remember every time I was abused either, I am sure I also disassociated things that happened to me.

I don't think it is important to remember "every detail" what you need to find is "how it affected you in ways you didn't realize".

Disbelief is also common.

OE