I made a post describing how I felt in the section where you introduce yourself, but to save you guys time, I will go ahead and re-write and re-word and add a few things.

This is going to be very long, I apologize. i can't really find a shorter way to describe it. I hope someone can understand, and give me some hope.

I was fine literally over a week ago, nothing was wrong, I was happy and in the midst of finding a job, happily in love and most likely moving out of my bf's roommate's house so we can get our own apartment.

Well sometime last week, I noticed I was feeling "off." My head is not clear, it seems foggy. I have felt this way before, (a year back) but I always managed to bounce back with some kind of distraction. But even distraction isn't helping me this time. It started getting worse each day, I even tried exercising and that didn't help.

I started feeling like I didn't know where I was or WHO I was or what I liked, nothing looked familiar anymore.. It feels like a dream that I can't get out of. Maybe this is derealization or depression distorting my way of thinking? I have no idea.

Every move I make, even if it's just sitting up out of bed, I question it. Is it really me getting up? It's hard to explain.

Time seems to have slowed down like 10 times. An hour feels like a whole day. But now most of the time, it seems like it has stopped completely.
I also seem to be very impatient. My mind is always running, but only about what could be wrong with me. I have tried to self diagnose myself, but I feel talking to you guys might be better to figure out what might be wrong.

my memory seems to be VERY hazy and I fear I will never get that back. I can't seem to look into the future, make plans or decisions like I used to.

Now I am stuck in bed, constantly trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I feel like I am stuck in a dream. I have been throwing up every single morning because I know I am going to have another bad day of these intrusive thoughts and feeling like I will be stuck this way forever. It has gotten so bad to the point I am begging to wonder if every single thought I have (even if it's a normal one) is me or my brain telling me it's not really me thinking. I hope that's not confusing. Now all I want to do is look at forums, and sleep to escape my own head. (Dreams seem normal at times, but sometimes are bad as well.) Nothing else. I have already tried going back outside to work out, but I started obsessing of where I was at and why I don't feel the way I normally do when I go for a walk. I felt WORSE.

I was going to guess it's anxiety, but I don't really have panic attacks, (I have had them before, and they don't feel like this.) I guess unless you count me getting sick as an anxiety attack.

Now I feel mentally paralyzed. Best way I can describe it. Everything I look at doesn't feel real...I try to look at something...say for instance, our dog...I loved that dog, but now when I look at him, it's like I feel nothing and questioning why I don't feel anything and if it's even real.

I can't eat, only because my head won't focus on the food, and it will just keep asking "How did this taste when I wasn't feeling this way?" or "I need to enjoy this, but I can't." I have been making myself eat though for my physical health's sake. Trying to eat healthy too.

I JUST WANT MY BRAIN TO TURN OFF.

I don't feel guilty or that I'm not good enough. I feel lost, empty and scared AND confused....VERY CONFUSED. I have a wonderful group of friends and family and an amazing boyfriend who has been trying to support me in all of this, so why do I still feel this way? It's like I don't care...but I want to so bad!!!!

My boyfriend has been trying to help me with all of this. He will even try to snuggle with me when I get frustrated and cry, but no amount of physical contact makes me get rid of these thoughts. it's like my emotional connection is gone. I even have a hard time concentrating on sex or eating good food. I TRY so hard to focus on how good it is, and it just makes it worse.

I have even tried going out, and nothing looked familiar to put my mind at an ease. Food doesn't taste good anymore. I just feel like I am doing this to myself, but I have dug myself such a deep hole, that now I cannot think my way out of it or snap out of it. (Though I wish I could.)

I have SUCH a hard time concentrating, because of these thoughts I am having...I don't know if it's a certain type of anxiety, depression, derealization, or combined. Nothing makes sense anymore. I almost feel like I have mental retardation. (that is not to be offensive to anyone who might, or knows someone who has it, it's just a medical description of how I feel, please do not take offense to that.)

I am so stuck, no amount of talk therapy, or "meditation" (not medication.) will help me, because of my intrusive thoughts.
I seriously feel like my soul has been taken away from me.

Sometimes, I think about suicide, because I cannot live like this. I could never do it though. I want to get better, not die. I do not feel comfortable in my own head, I cannot seem to find peace with my brain, no matter how hard I try to distract myself. I know medication doesn't cure it, but maybe I need a boost, so I CAN focus and get my way out of this mess.

I have been to a psychiatrist before, and she prescribed me Sertraline, and I never took them, because I thought it was all in my head, and eventually the thoughts subsided, because I had some pockets of hope. Now I don't. Every second is painful and questionable. I'm even having a hard time writing this.

I ended up at the ER yesterday because I couldn't take it anymore, they were really nice, even though one of the doctors couldn't understand what I was feeling (but they aren't really mental health doctors), so they called around mental health places and found me a place that will be taking me in on the 10th of this month. They couldn't find any place that would be sooner. I am so bad though to the point I don't really know if I can wait that long.

I am thinking maybe this is depression and my mind is trying to fight it off? even though I can't help it, because I know fighting makes it worse, but if I don't fight it, then I will feel even worse because all I will want to do is sleep and torture myself with these thoughts.

I really hope this makes sense to someone, because I am desperate for hope. I am getting frustrated with this.