Sorry this may be long winded but I need to vent. I hope no one that knows me visits this message board. First year facing holidays without Mom and its difficult. Granted, I haven't been into the holidays since grade school because its not a happy time for me. I never have money, I don't have a family of my own and my immediate family is not very close. My mom hated the holidays too, she was never the same after her mom died. Anyway, I am still struggling to get through. I have been having visions of the last weeks of her life which were not pleasant. She was so frail and sick and just did not seem like my mom. I can't stand remebering her that way but can't get the visions out of my head. I am suffering with major depression and was already in the midst of it before she got sick. Me and Mom had difficulties. She had mental health issues and was not pleasant alot of the time, my siblings also had their problems with her. But I was trying to have a relationship with her anyway, she was my Mom and I tried to think of some of the good times we had and what she did do for me. However because of my messed up life, mental illness and physical illness and financial problems, I kind of isolated myself from my family the last few years. I did call my mom but I wasn't able to see her much, I don't live in her State. I am guilty now because I allowed my depression and other problems get in the way of spending time with her. It is eating me up inside, the guilt. Also, I am angry and hurt at my siblings because they treated me like I wasn't even family during my mom's short illness and after her death. They made the decision to take her off life support without my approval, they felt she was suffering. She was in a medically induced coma and on meds, the doctors told me she wasn't suffering but they rushed us to make a decision. I didn't understand what the rush was, she was in there only a few days on life support before they started pressuring us. My mom was on state and govt. medical assistance and I can't help but wonder if that had something to do with it. Then they did not communicate with me about much after her death. I barely heard from them. They went back to their lives and I was left to deal with probate court, closing accounts and cleaning out her apartment. They kept saying they would come and never did. When my sister finally got around to showing up I was upset and it showed in my tone I guess. She then decided I was too angry to be around and said she wouldn't come to the apartment when I was their. My brother refused to do anything. He wanted me to throw everything in bags and give it to good will. Now I realize that everyone grieves differently and maybe they couldn't deal with taking care of things. But they could have just said that. Instead they made me feel like it was all my responsibiltiy because I didn't have kids and I wasn't working. Plus I didn't contribute to the cost of the funeral. My sister even mentioned that fact to me. I don't feel I should have been left to do that all alone. That is a very emotional and overwhelming task. They have never apologized or acknowledged anything they did and my sister has not called or contacted me. My brother is trying to pick up like everything is fine and normal. I am still hurt and angry. There is alot of other things that happened but I don't want to go into everything. I am so hurt, I feel like I have been stabbed not once but multiple times in the heart. I couldn't even be around them for thanksgiving and I'm not going for christmas. I can't face them. I just sent some pictures and a note telling them that I was depressed and that is why I have been withdrawing, that it was not intentional to upset anyone. Now I am mad at myself. Why should I have to explain myself. I don't want them thinking that I have forgotten and everything is fine between us because its not. I am working on forgiveness because I know being bitter is only hurting me, but I'm not really there yet and even when I get there I don't know if things will ever be the same between us. It is killing me though. I feel I have no family now. I am struggling with this depression and other issues alone. I am in a relationship that is unhappy and not going anywhere. I have no support. I know this has been long but it has been helpful for me to tell my story and I welcome any comments you all may have.