I am sorry to hear that you are going through so much. It does sond as you do have a great deal of respect for your mother and love her very much. I understand keeping this from her and the fear of her finding out. Though you are doing what you need to do for you. The Counseling appointment is a very positive thing to help you work out these feeling of fear and feelings of self destruction, and is what is sounds like something that you need to do to help yourself get through all of this.

I would suggest that you print your post to take with you to the counseling appointment if you have trouble expressing your feelings to the Therapist. I have done this and it can really help the counselor understand the things you are feeling though may be unable to verbaly say. I have even went in and simply hadned my T the letter or note on my feelings, that way the things I can't say are all there and we can begin to talk about what issues that I have written.

I wish you hope, and the best, and encourage you to keep the appointment, even if it has to be a secret for the time being.- Take Care

Best Wishes-
~KRIS~

If you think you have totally gave up, you haven't, because you are here!