As embarrassing as this is to put out here, right now therapy isn't an option. At least right this moment, but admittedly I've not looked into what the state or community organizations may help with.

I was about 9-10 and I really don't think I was actually "playing with myself" as my grandmother put it. I could've been, but that's something I consider only mildly embarrassing compared to my reaction to her disgust. I remember sobbing, making myself sick, asking her if she still loved me...

I want to go back in time and throw myself threw a window for giving a ****.

Thank you for your replies. Having my abuse validated as such makes me feel a lot lighter.