Its a sad thing that so many marriages end in divorce these days. Some are necessary, some not. Remember though, that no matter what either your mother or your father say about the other is only half the story. I'm sorry you were in the middle. That isn't fair.

You are going through an awful lot right now. Dealing with the divorce, (that can go on for years), figuring out your sexuality, your dad's infidelity. It really doesn't surprise me that you are feeling depressed. Have you thought of going into counselling? You are an adult, and anything you say in therapy should stay there, out of reach of your parents and step parents. That wasn't fair by the way. Going through your journal. I'm sure it was obviously a private journal. They do make journals with locks on them by the way. Writing is a good way of working out your thoughts, but its hard to be open on paper if you have to worry about it being read by someone else.

Does your community college have dorms? Some do, some don't. Even renting a cheap apartment with a roommate or two to get away from the turmoil in your parent's houses. Its hard to go to school and work, but with a couple of roommates, it might be doable.

One strange thing about depression is that sometimes when you feel like you are coming out of it, you put yourself back into it. Not entirely on purpose, but consciously. I've been depressed since I was in the fifth grade and that was a few decades ago, and that happened to me a couple of times in my twenties. I think it was because I was used to being depressed and invisible, and even though it was uncomfortable, I knew what it was. I didn't know how to be normal or what would happen if I was. That may be some of your confusion. Its not the same as munchhouseins or trying to get attention though I suppose some might see it as one or the other.

Really, see if there is a counselor at your college. It can't hurt, and it might help. When you are in the middle of as many messes as you are, it helps to have a fresh pair of eyes and mind to help you work through things. I hope your parents accept your sexuality if they know. Fortunately there aren't as many people who are upset by that anymore.

Sam2