edda ... you aren't alone in it as far as ... i think so many of us struggle with support and belonging, i know i do ... and we turn to other things to try and give us the comfort we either can't find or can't accept from people
for you, you are finding it in hurting yourself .... for others it might be in alcohol, drugs, food, sex etc
that unbelonging feeling can be so strong; and so we use whatever we can to try and find a comfort yet it can often be a source of comfort that inflicts pain at the same time; because at some level we also don't believe we are allowed to have comfort
the "unhealthy" coping mechanisms .... because we don't know how to do or accept something else
have you been able to talk about the problem with accepting support with a therapist; or is that hard because even talking about it would be seeking support? (asking partly because for me it's something i need to talk about with my therapist, but keep putting it off somehow)
sorry for rambling ... i could just relate to a lot of what you wrote; and also wish it was easier -- for both of us