I wonder if anyone (or several people) can provide me some insight.

I'm the youngest of five, I'm middle-aged, single and childless, and my parents are in their 80s. We are not a particularly close family and I've never been close with my parents. But the older and more frail they get, the more they seem to "need to see me." I do not understand this. I do not need to see them. I know they love me, but I do not feel it. I know they did their best with me, but their best was woefully inadequate. I know I must love them just because they are my parents, but I don't feel that either.

I see them and the rest of my family on birthdays and holidays; that is more than enough togetherness for me.

A few months ago, I agreed to meet them for lunch. It was excruciating. None of us are talkers, and both my parents are hard of hearing. Even though they invited me, I felt and took the responsibility for trying conversation. I'm a quiet person by nature and conversation only comes easily after I feel really comfortable with someone.

Now I have agreed to meet them for lunch on Saturday. I'm so dreading it, but I have decided that I'm not going to bear the burden of the conversation. If we are quiet, I have decided that I'm going to let that be and try not to feel bad about it. Maybe they mean it literally when they say they need to see me -- they just need to physically see me and convince themselves that I'm OK. Maybe it just has something weird to do with how long they have left.

I guess I'm so bothered by this because I can't avoid them. My dad calls me at least once a month; I always let it go to voicemail and then dread having to call him back. I have tried not returning his call, but he chastized me and I realized it was disrespectful. It's just there's nothing to talk about and I have to pretend to be fine. I am not fine; my life is a mess and I am suffering many losses. It's a great drain to put on the front of being fine; this I know most of you can relate to, because I see it expressed in so many posts.

Avoiding them does not work, and I would like to find some peace with this before they die.