This is musik, I am a senior in high school. I have felt and lived through many hard times. But I'm having a hard time living through it all now.
My parents divorced when I was maybe a few months old. I grew up with my mom and sister and after a while, my step-daddy, just daddy to me. My real dad tried to get back in touch with me when I was 9. I had to start living with he and his girlfriend as well as her two teenagers. When I was 12, I was diagnosed with OCD. After the good first impression wore off, I began to see that I was being mistreated at my dad's house, mostly by the girlfriend. When I tried to become my own person in middle school, my dad's girlfriend got a job at my school, where they took full control of me. As a freshman in high school I asked them if I could move back with my mom with whom I had still lived with through shared custody. I was told no, the mistreatment got worse, and rot iron bars got placed over my bedroom window. It was a true cinderella story. I was not the type of person to stand up for myself so I turned my pain inward.
I started hurting myself and, at age 13, overdosed. I passed out from the overdose and went unnoticed for more than a day. I started hanging out with the wrong crowd at school and got into drugs and some pretty bad stuff. I developed an eating disorder. I think it was my way of control, I had no control of my life, so my eating habits were the one thing I did have full control of. My best friend realized that this was how i was coping and helped me convince myself that I needed to stop. I asked to leave one last time, and when I was told no once more, I decided to run away. After a run-in with the police, I got an MIP but was eventually taken back to my dad's house. I overdosed that night, for a second time.
I was placed in a mental hospital for about three weeks (I'm pretty sure while I was detoxing?) until I was transfered to a treatment center where I stayed for four months. The relationship between my dad and I became very strained after numerous discussions where I always ended up being in the wrong. I was in the treatment center for Thanksgiving and Christmas. A few days after Christmas was the last day I talked to my dad. His girlfriend finally pushed him to end our relationship. When I got out of the hospital I moved back in with my mom and started my freshman year in February, somehow managing to get one credit and failing 4 classes (the jerk never disenrolled me! ).
But before summer was over I was classified a sophomore. Now, I am a Varsity Cheerleader with a 3.5 GPA and about to graduate in the top 20 of my class!! (hopefully... I'm close =)) I don't think there is a day in my life that I don't think about my dad. I know Hate is a strong word, but within a year, I grew to hate my dad. I couldn't stand him in my life,... and now it's hard to stand it without him in it.
I have felt very happy with my progress, but more than once, sank back to hurting myself. I talk to my family a lot, and everyone tells me, "It's his loss" and "WE'RE here for you". I realize this, I do, but I can't help but feel that "It's MY loss too!!" and "THEY'RE just not enough sometimes". I miss my dad so much. I have tried to contact him many times. At first I was just ignored, but one night, I had him cornered. He told me he hated me and wanted nothing to do with me. That I ruined his life and that he wouldn't hurt if I died the next day. That hurt sooo bad. But I want so bad to just be able to come home from school and tell my dad about the boy I like or ask for help on my homework, and I know that's never going to happen. I want to talk to him about my life and the hard times I am going through. I want my dad to watch me graduate, or walk me down the isle at my wedding, but that too is too much to ask for. I guess all I can ask for right now is the strength to keep moving and hope that someday I will be able to deal with the fact that I don't have him in my life. I really need that day to come soon. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I really do not know. It may sound stupid of me even wanting anything to do with him,... but I do! Any suggestions on what to do while I wait for my day??