Hi...
I am a vet (USAF, female). But, I am on this forum instead of the combat PTSD forum because when I was in (1974-78), women were not allowed in combat positions (thank goodness). Don't know why a woman would want to be subjected to the horrors of war... I WAS one of the first women in Avionics and worked on the 1F-111D. The first digital (computerized) and integrated avionics fighter/bomber aircraft in the world. I am proud of this, but it is never easy breaking into a new field, for women, in the military. I was 1 of 2 women among 100 men. Sexual harassment? Yes, but unless it was molestation or rape, we had to learn to let it "fall-off-our-backs" or learn how to put the guy in his place. Difficult when it is your commander or another squadron's commander (a major - full bird colonel usually). Yes, this happened to me... But my abuse started waaaaayy before this...4 yrs. old in fact, by my mother (who should have been arrested and jailed). As one of my brothers said, "Mom loved to head to the knife drawer." I was the oldest daughter and the object of her hate and violence. Then came the rapes, which I will not describe--no need and it will trigger me. Then came the horrible divorce...then came the harassment from my school (I used my GI bill to become a teacher) because I blew the whistle on the V.Principal who was a sexual predator...there is more, but this is enough for this forum. I guess I feel I have to justify my right to be here. Needless to say, I have PTSD from more than one source and then some devastating situations triggered the abuse memories that I had kept behind my thick, white wall (my way of describing my way of dealing with it all). I learned that eventually it does start to "leak-out" and then comes the gushing, flooding, overwhelming memories and nightmares. I am still ambivalent about the 3 rapes and sometimes I dread those "leaking-out".
Because I am prior military and 2 of the rapes happened in the military, I am qualified to go to the "cutting edge" Women's Trauma Center in Menlo Park, CA. BUT, I can't go until I go though an "Emotion Regulation" program at my VA Hospital (out-patient). I am in it now and it is a looong program, as long as a year!
But, I am thankful for the program. I have multiple suicide attempts; they are always the result of strong triggers. I do get anxious about all the triggering that will happen, but I HAVE TO DO THIS TO GET BETTER!
It has nothing to do with courage and everything to do with desperation, for me...
Thank you for reading "my rant" and I hope the best for those of you who share the same diagnosis.