i'm sorry that you're feeling so much pain over the loss of a relationship with your dad. adults can do very stupid things that really hurt their children. and i think he did some stuff that should have gotten him into trouble.

having said that, it's not unusual that you would miss him. he's your father and we all want a relationship with our parents. one that works.

your father has made a really painful choice about a relationship with you and at this time, there's nothing you can do about it. perhaps he will come to his senses one day and until then you need to find some help, via therapy, to work through all of these feelings of pain and hopelessness.

if there is a possibility of getting therapy, please do so. and congratulations upon holding your own in school and achieving so much!!! good luck and Merry Christmas! xoxoxo pat