Oh L sweetie You really think you had a part in Jason's death? Do you want to talk about it? I think you're just wishing you could've done something to prevent it. No parent wants to see our kids addicted or hurting, but they do these things and we can't always stop it. I think that look he gave you going up the stairs was him feeling bad for relapsing and not wanting you to know or to disappoint you. And I think you said before that you had a pang of a bad feeling like he might be relapsing. But how many times over the years you must've had that worry. You're a loving mom, stood by him all the way, did all you could to help him, but addiction is strong & twisted and can happen to anybody, you are not responsible for his death. It was a tragic accident.

I think this grieving process is going to take a really long time. We all wish we could help you somehow. Wish you had some physical good friends nearby to even lay on the couch with you, stare at the wall even, rub your back or feet and let you know you're not alone.

Also sounds like you're disassociating - and I don't blame you, I start leaving my body during depression too. Who wants to be in their body with so much sadness going on? Problem is that it leaves you with no energy to even get out of bed or off the couch or to process the feelings and let healing in.

If you're interested look into a mindfulness therapist. She's the one who helped me see I was not in my body. I resisted and thought she was a quack at first. But in guided meditations, she kept asking where I was, and to look further out. I seriously found myself in outer space, cold & alone looking down at earth, wishing it well but feeling it was doomed. She brought me to standing on a grassy field, letting me know that all my well wishes for earth, that earth wants to return love to me, and I allowed green sparkles of light enter my feet. It was a process but that's an example of healing I experienced in mindfulness therapy. It was intense & very spiritual & interesting. I should go back to her cuz I'm falling again, but it is deep & I'm a little afraid to open up, even though I know it's best for me.

We are here for you. Please keep talking & I'm sending you much love.