WHAT??? Why is your t bringing up your role in Jason's death? Maybe I misread what you said, Speed, but if I understood you, I can't understand how this is helping your grief process. You are still in such pain, and I am so glad to see that you are sharing again. We don't know how long it will take on your road to a peaceful place, but I know that I would never try to push you through your grief.
BlueInanna and BpRN have offered much more compassionate words, and I don't know how to verbalize what I am feeling for what you are going through. I just know that you are hurting, and I hope we can offer some words to help you heal.
Please just know that my heart is with you and I believe in prayer. I send up prayers for you each time I see that you are hurting.
Many hugs!
Bluemountains