Thank you for your replies.
I understand this forum does not take the place of treatment but I have had so much therapy and psychiatry both inpatient and outpatient in the past with little success. I do agree I need support but at this time I am not able for financial reasons. I will be switching medical insurance in Jan so possibly the new one will cover some care.

Pfrog I don't blame my mom for my issues and it is my fault and struggle. It has always been hard growing up with a mom with mental struggles who is in denial though. Up till now she has been supportive. I feel so sad because I do have physical medical condition that is severe and it is really hard to cope with and now that will be done alone too. Part of the issue with therapy providers is that my medical condition is hard to cope with and out of my hands that even though mentally I may not cope the best they still say I am strong if that makes sense?
I wish I could do things over and make better choices but it is too late my mom said. Being in the situation I am in I feel really abandoned by her and even in time if things get better I don't know if she can be a part of my life.
Well thank you again