I get it, the self blame, wishing we had control of the uncontrollable. I do the same thing. My kid is having trouble again. I'm beating myself up over it. Wish I could've given him a better life, wish he never saw me depressed. If I'd been more present... But I wasn't and couldn't I was really ill with depression. Parenting is so hard - I kicked him out today - very scared I made a huge mistake... There's just no way to know. I'm just letting you know I relate and most parents too probably carry guilt for being depressed in front of our kids. Please don't double triple punish yourself, you've been through too much already, this depletes energy you need to carry on. I don't know if it makes sense, my brain is spun today. Just know I care & sending love & prayers.